When a Smile Isn’t Defiance: Understanding Neurodivergent Coping Mechanisms in Sport
There’s this moment I see happen all the time in youth sports. A coach gives a correction—maybe it’s about footwork, focus, or effort—and instead of a serious nod of understanding, the athlete… smiles. Maybe they chuckle, or they do a little dance. And then it happens: The coach’s expression shifts. The arms cross. The brows furrow. And the dreaded phrase comes out:
“Are you not taking this seriously?”
Oh, but they are. They’re just not showing it the way you expect.
The Misinterpretation Trap
Here’s the thing—many neurodivergent athletes (those with ADHD, autism, anxiety, or other neurological differences) process stress, focus, and emotional regulation differently than neurotypical athletes. Their reactions to high-pressure moments or corrections don’t always fit the standard script of furrowed brows and deep nods of understanding.
Smiling? That’s not defiance. That’s a regulation mechanism.
Laughing? That’s an attempt to mask discomfort or diffuse tension.
Dancing, fidgeting, or humming? That’s self-stimulation to stay engaged.
But to the untrained eye, these behaviors can look like disinterest, disrespect, or even insubordination.
Why Neurodivergent Athletes Do This
Neurodivergent brains operate on different wavelengths when it comes to emotional regulation, focus, and sensory processing. Here are a few key reasons why you might see these behaviors in practice:
- Masking & Social Survival: Many neurodivergent individuals have learned that their natural responses to stress (like freezing up or avoiding eye contact) aren’t socially “acceptable.” Smiling or joking is often their way of fitting in and softening potentially negative interactions.
- Fight, Flight… or Fun? The nervous system has a variety of responses to stress, and for some athletes, humor and playfulness are legitimate coping strategies. They’re not trying to be difficult; they’re trying to keep from shutting down.
- Sensory Overload Management: Movement (like fidgeting or dancing) helps some athletes regulate their nervous systems. If a drill is stressful, adding motion may actually help them engage rather than disengage.
- Processing Delays & Time Needs: Some neurodivergent athletes need a few extra moments to process a correction. A laugh or joke might be a way to stall while their brain catches up.
What Coaches Get Wrong
The biggest mistake a coach can make? Assuming intent.
When a player responds to feedback with a grin or a joke, a coach might assume:
- They don’t respect me.
- They aren’t taking this seriously.
- They’re trying to push my buttons.
When in reality, the athlete is probably thinking:
- I don’t know what else to do right now.
- I hope they don’t think I’m upset.
- I need to move through this moment so I don’t get overwhelmed.
And here’s the kicker—if a coach interprets these behaviors as disrespect and comes down hard on the athlete, they’re not teaching discipline. They’re shutting down a coping mechanism and increasing stress. And when stress rises too high, learning stops.
How Coaches Can Adapt
So, what can you do to avoid misinterpreting an athlete’s natural regulation strategies as defiance?
- Pause Before Reacting – Instead of immediately assuming intent, take a breath. Ask yourself: Is this athlete really being disrespectful, or could this be their way of processing?
- Separate Focus From Stillness – Just because an athlete isn’t standing rigidly still doesn’t mean they’re not engaged. Some kids listen best when moving. Instead of demanding stillness, try saying, “You can move, but keep your eyes on me while I explain.”
- Ask Instead of Assume – If you’re unsure about an athlete’s response, ask! “Hey, when you smile after I give feedback, what’s going through your head?” You’d be surprised how many kids will give you an honest answer.
- Reframe Your Expectations – Neurodivergent athletes may not always respond with traditional “serious” body language, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care. Look for engagement in other ways—eye contact (or effort toward it), body positioning, or willingness to try again.
- Provide Alternative Outlets – If you notice a player struggling to regulate, offer them tools instead of reprimands. Let them squeeze a stress ball while listening or give them a quick movement break. Small adjustments can make a big difference.
A Shift in Perspective
Imagine a world where coaches didn’t immediately assume the worst when a player smiled at the wrong time. Imagine if, instead of demanding “proper” reactions, we learned to decode the language of neurodivergent athletes and met them where they are.
Because at the end of the day, coaching is about connection. And connection doesn’t happen when we demand conformity—it happens when we seek understanding.
So, the next time an athlete grins after a correction or breaks into a little dance between drills, take a second. Don’t see defiance. See a kid doing their best to stay in the game, in the way that makes sense to them.
And that? That deserves coaching, not correction.
That’s it for today! Remember. OneDayOne. It is either Day One or One Day. Always your choice.
And of course… #DontSuck
